...full super moon november '24

 ...not 1924, while it could be, while it wasn't that far off... wile it might be nice to be there, in a simpler world fre of technology, but att he inception of the arrogance f a modernity, an american progression into salesmanship... a selling of things... here buy this... these are thereasons... this how its different then the others... sold... another pdicut sold... i am no longer interested in lying... have been lying most of my life... pretending not to be this brown, this version of features, this version of relgion, these ascrobed tongues... natinalities... this body.. this age... i was free for minutes at 17, the summer before scool started, when inu and binu were visiting, staying ith us, here form london, their british accents pleasant to our cutting new york... there feminine a sweet melody to our masculine junk... my junk... had long hair... nothing to hide... long pretty black thick hair that fell over my face and shoulders... i was me in the summer... me and my brthers and my beatuiful parents who let us go out into the world, who housed strangers in our two bedroom shake on the fourth floor... to the knowing that a.i would come and gobble us up, and still getting us ca computer to keep us relvant... a dial up modem for us to learn... to do somethign that would grow our fmaily, enrich it... when i thin f my Lve... i would want her to grow up to be kind and oving, and boundaried, and capable of defenind herslef, and devout in her worship... i don't imagine her to be selling or sales... i don't imagine anyone i could think f that i respect in sales, in selling... in the business of seeking worship... in discovering theoirs to get their name out there... philosphy... 

bismillah... bismillah hi rahman niraim even if these words are anathema to you... even if it means that i would reather play the piano then here you sing your songs at the party... it will end... the night will be over.. .eveyone will have to go hom and you will have to retire... even if you sleep with the pretties girl... she will leave your side... you will have to wake up and face REality and you've been running... finding distraction things to look at theings to read or watch or pople to talk about or people who rubbed you wrong or people you like in comparison, and schemes to make a lot of menoy and buy big things and have people bow down to you and have plenty f women to be toys... you have thought it out your wars to commit a fratricide satricide paternalicide... all of th cides... kill off anyone who doesn

t cmfron to your craving, your wantings for them to be who you want them to be  - coe to a dinner with friends only to find out you are not welcome - you would rather have them play nicetieis, have them sit there... have them pretend... why? becaue your ego is bruised... bevause you want what isn't' real... you want a remote control to swithc people off... to turing them on...

this month, this past month things came up... ithaca happened... i'm sure nyc happened... the new scheudle happened... troy and labany and the coop and shopping and being int he car,em and sign up sheets and all o fthat happened... 

bismillah...bismillah... this month... this momth... go deep... do one thing at a time... one thing ith full presence... nothing else... notihing doing... 

...this month... this month have clarity on offerings... on servie... nothign to pretend... what are you doing?... how are you doing... doing the thing... going deeper...in the thing - practice... this month practice... go deepr in the craft of writing, yoga, bodywork... prayer... juniper... my heartbeats.... ammmu abbu... cb... here i Am... 

...FULL MOON... cold moon... december 23... take the risk...

 ...bismillah... the full moon is upon us... and there is no decision to be made... drop everything and worship... the sign of the One... the one tht allows you to reflect o this past month... to reflect it forward... the one that marks time... 

...a week ago was the winter solstice... the completion of the earth's cycle around the sun... the sun reaching it's lowest point in the horizon form our geocentric perspective... the tilt begin at it's maximum... the haze of a year behind us facing us in the darkness... in the words that are said in the background of the mind, clouded with anxiety, thoguht, illusion, the belief that this is real... that this is more than it is..

...people die... people i know have died this year... a lot less than the last year... but more than the year before... people i had been close to at some point or another.. suddenly, no longer here... speak their names when i am deep in thought, alone, walking, on the subway, riding words on pages... and they are conjured and no matter how much i write, how fast these hands go, nothing comes of it, i don't know.... i never did... never did know you other than the place that we all meet... LOVE...

...it has been the common ground and it's what i admire most in friends and family i have know over the years... their LOVE, how they show it through generostiy  - ALLAH is Infinite, through kindness, through encouragement, through believing in you... through holding you close... through struggling, through innocence through Being fully them which is always a compromise to accommodate the Oneness, as the Oneness requires us to be in community, and the rubiks cube of community requires us to figure out the parts and how they fit... 

...this first full moon of the year, my intention grow fulfilled in writing... but not in getting closer to publishing... not in doing it different... want to do it different,... up the risk... have been in observance of the signs like the solstice... but not in full presence and practice with the rituals... not Listening deep enough and being in the moment of the occurrence... have spoke of intention wit LOVE, but have been prioritizing the tie it takes to eat and do mundane... 

...this full moon i am reminded of the house and the clinical work, and the 12 seasons you have given us... and that this is not about me... but how i can draw worship to You... of being brhamcharya... rolling like a river of LOVE... int he wheel of seasons of LOVE... so to get more nuanced withe intention of being in this wheel... i communicate times for when the WORK happens... i ask what is the Lover afraid of... and I take the risks neccessary to shift the paradigm... 

...winter solstice 2023... intention to brahmacharya...

 ...in the name of ALLAH... Compassion... Mercy... Love, the Source of it ALL... the ever contracting... the ever Expanding...

...i bear witness that time happens... that spaces happen... that bronx one day, ithaca another... astoria and lower east side... days of alcohol a memory that is sweet, warm, faint... was that me... days of walking the lower east side, standing in front of my job, people watching... a desirable moment i look on with fondness... college another lifetime that i don't know... a young man that no longer resonates, that i no very little about... some guy who came out of the trauma of kindergarten to 12th grade scarred by the learning to fit in, to know that he would never fit in, trying constantly to do so, having ambitions to suddenly change, suddenly become cool, be loved, accepted, embraced, be distinct, stick out, want to be the guy others hang out with... high school party... 12th grade... 

...being a thief gave me access to what i was seeking... but what I was Seeking was buried in my hurt... didn't learn this till i spun in circles, my voice never gruff enough, not enough men to pretend to posse with... only women to take in my pretend, lies, balm to my lies... letting them see glimpses of me when it was opportune... when i thought we were safe from the cool... but if the consumption, the purchase of me was based on the packaging, then there would rarely be an opportunity for the guards to be down... 

...i think i realized myself in my late 20's and it took me years to crawl out of the false... still been crawling out... becoming more of me has meant growing deep not in the superficial, not in clothes and shoes and parties, and bass in my voice, and memorizing popular songs other people liked and would approve of, but letting my soul guide me... letting Soul become the one to Listen to hamza el din and baul and peyote music... to bow down and breathe through asana... to mediate in the subways and snow... to cook, and find creativity and imagination through words, through release of ego, of trying to control... of seeing what comes... and letting what comes Be...

...this year i look to build on what has been a shortcoming - asteya - the vow to not steal - time, fares, other people's generosity... the time i've been alotted... 

...i will do this by using my time to be of service... to make sure the novels and poems i've written are published, are experienced, are able to support others in breakthrough... in Connection, in humility... 

...that the medicine i've purchased goes to good use, that it connects with the time i've spent learning herbalism and that i used what i've learned to share medicine not my name... to support Connection with Your Creation... not mine.... to Honor and Respect You by Honoring the cycles you have given us to stay in rhythm... to share the yoga i do to support family friends community world in your deen in Health, in Love... not about me... but about You... 

...that i do my best with the riddle of time for my job instead of looking for shortcuts, Working with simplicity in mind... with doing less going deeper... by being honest in my relations... vulnerable... being the Lover... being Love for our baby... 

...asteya goes with brahmacharya... walking in a wheel of worship... to walk in worship... to do this by engaing in Creativity, in full presence... in one thing at a time... Knowing it is You... that it is Always You... to Honor You at the altar of the dinner table when i cook for myself or others... to Honor You  when I See people i walk past... Knowing it is You, and to give them the right away, open the door, offer my seat... Knowing it is You... and that you need a seat... 

...to Listen with this worship Knowing it is You... and you need to be heard... looking at You... and feeling your life experience and what you are feeling at this moment and affirming You... to worship by Knowing this is not it, but a moment... and to embrace what you have put before me... this path... of ancient medicine... to find and make home with my wife child parents brother... village a few hours away... make it an abode of Love... fo worship of for You... 

...this year... this earth cycle... i Am in brahmacharya... a wheel of Love through worship of You... 

preface to patanjali's yoga sutras

Patanjali is not the inventor of yoga, but rather yoga's most popularly known scribe. What has become known simply as the "Yoga Sutras" (sutra means thread) or almost equally as common, as the "Yoga Darshana" (the vision of Yoga), is actually a compendium of an ancient pre-existing oral yoga tradition consisting of both practical advice and theoretical context. The most accepted format of the Yoga Sutras consists of four chapters (called padas) written in the Sanskrit language approximately 2000 years ago in Northern India while utilizing the terminology of the time, i.e., Samkhya philosophical trappings. The dates ascribed to the Yoga Sutras vary widely from 250 BC to 300 AD. 250 AD is very improbable based on comparative analysis with similar texts, grammar, and concurrent philosophical ideas of the era. This latter date is a conjecture based on the lack of any prior commentaries on the Yoga Sutras before this date. What can be said is that Patanjali's era was proto-tantric, Buddhist, Jain, Hindu, and eclectic. Because authentic yoga has been mainly an oral tradition (versus a written tradition), the practices of course precede the texts, but it is impossible to say how far ahead, because of the lack of prior literature. 

who am i today 3.30.23

today in my relations:

i was someone who hits stop on the alarm, instead of snooze, and instead of getting up at 5am i woke hours later... today i was someone who cooked first... prepping a bean-and cabbage topping for the vegan meatloaf i made a couple of days back... today i was someone who sat in a cafe fasting and reading, and feeling held by the energy of college students and the baristas... today i was someone who dropped what i was doing to have conversations - with c at the dmv who said hi and i didn't recognize, with a newer friend who came over to me in the cafe to say hi and remind me who she was, to al, who called and i walked over to her, and sauntered through the commons... today, by 4ish, the empty feel of the fast kick in... i was somebody who was weak and wanted to rest... today, in the meeting, i was someone who put aside the writing i was doing, to be fully present... today, in each instance of dropping everything, i was fully present with whoever and whatever i was doing... today i had glimpses of peace...  

today in my practice: 

i was someone who listened to a podcast while and felt the frequency of it compromise Spirit, and then shifted to recitations to Align... it made a difference... today i looked forward to splitting my practice... between the morning and a later time... today, i tried something new, taking cue from another artist... malasana into a leaping frog... today i watched skandasana become more that i thought it could be... today i maintained body consciousness in my meeting, going into a hidden standing practice through subtle movements, wondering it i was going deep enough... knowing i could go only so far as my attention was split... 

who am i?

 

...the question that drives the yoga practice is this one - who am i?

depending on where you are in your your journey, you will have a response that attempts to capture who you believe yourself to be. it may be literal, mundane, an application you fill out for a dating app: height weight ethnicity interests hobbies occupation, etc. it may be based on your readings of philosophical treatise. it may be based on your relationship tor religion or a spiritual system - clay and water, man and woman, spirits in human bodies going through a test of ethics, etc. or if you are like the fastest growing religion on earth - no religion - you may believe you are muscles and tendons, bones and blood, cells and bacteria, evolved from primates, two celled life forms, amoeba, a big bang. you may see yourself as cosmic entity, part descendant of a reptilian race from saturn. you may identify as everything and nothing. 

all of it is possibly true, if it is in the realm of your experience. the only way to know is to know, to go deep in this question - who am i?

through the yoga practice - asana and pranayama to begin with and then growing into the layers of the other anga's - you have the opportunity to go into the laboratory of the body-mind and gain insight into this you. 

so, as you go deeper in your journey in yoga, ask yourself this question: who am i? and see where it leads you. feel free to share your thoughts and entries with me.