...FULL MOON... cold moon... december 23... take the risk...

 ...bismillah... the full moon is upon us... and there is no decision to be made... drop everything and worship... the sign of the One... the one tht allows you to reflect o this past month... to reflect it forward... the one that marks time... 

...a week ago was the winter solstice... the completion of the earth's cycle around the sun... the sun reaching it's lowest point in the horizon form our geocentric perspective... the tilt begin at it's maximum... the haze of a year behind us facing us in the darkness... in the words that are said in the background of the mind, clouded with anxiety, thoguht, illusion, the belief that this is real... that this is more than it is..

...people die... people i know have died this year... a lot less than the last year... but more than the year before... people i had been close to at some point or another.. suddenly, no longer here... speak their names when i am deep in thought, alone, walking, on the subway, riding words on pages... and they are conjured and no matter how much i write, how fast these hands go, nothing comes of it, i don't know.... i never did... never did know you other than the place that we all meet... LOVE...

...it has been the common ground and it's what i admire most in friends and family i have know over the years... their LOVE, how they show it through generostiy  - ALLAH is Infinite, through kindness, through encouragement, through believing in you... through holding you close... through struggling, through innocence through Being fully them which is always a compromise to accommodate the Oneness, as the Oneness requires us to be in community, and the rubiks cube of community requires us to figure out the parts and how they fit... 

...this first full moon of the year, my intention grow fulfilled in writing... but not in getting closer to publishing... not in doing it different... want to do it different,... up the risk... have been in observance of the signs like the solstice... but not in full presence and practice with the rituals... not Listening deep enough and being in the moment of the occurrence... have spoke of intention wit LOVE, but have been prioritizing the tie it takes to eat and do mundane... 

...this full moon i am reminded of the house and the clinical work, and the 12 seasons you have given us... and that this is not about me... but how i can draw worship to You... of being brhamcharya... rolling like a river of LOVE... int he wheel of seasons of LOVE... so to get more nuanced withe intention of being in this wheel... i communicate times for when the WORK happens... i ask what is the Lover afraid of... and I take the risks neccessary to shift the paradigm... 

...winter solstice 2023... intention to brahmacharya...

 ...in the name of ALLAH... Compassion... Mercy... Love, the Source of it ALL... the ever contracting... the ever Expanding...

...i bear witness that time happens... that spaces happen... that bronx one day, ithaca another... astoria and lower east side... days of alcohol a memory that is sweet, warm, faint... was that me... days of walking the lower east side, standing in front of my job, people watching... a desirable moment i look on with fondness... college another lifetime that i don't know... a young man that no longer resonates, that i no very little about... some guy who came out of the trauma of kindergarten to 12th grade scarred by the learning to fit in, to know that he would never fit in, trying constantly to do so, having ambitions to suddenly change, suddenly become cool, be loved, accepted, embraced, be distinct, stick out, want to be the guy others hang out with... high school party... 12th grade... 

...being a thief gave me access to what i was seeking... but what I was Seeking was buried in my hurt... didn't learn this till i spun in circles, my voice never gruff enough, not enough men to pretend to posse with... only women to take in my pretend, lies, balm to my lies... letting them see glimpses of me when it was opportune... when i thought we were safe from the cool... but if the consumption, the purchase of me was based on the packaging, then there would rarely be an opportunity for the guards to be down... 

...i think i realized myself in my late 20's and it took me years to crawl out of the false... still been crawling out... becoming more of me has meant growing deep not in the superficial, not in clothes and shoes and parties, and bass in my voice, and memorizing popular songs other people liked and would approve of, but letting my soul guide me... letting Soul become the one to Listen to hamza el din and baul and peyote music... to bow down and breathe through asana... to mediate in the subways and snow... to cook, and find creativity and imagination through words, through release of ego, of trying to control... of seeing what comes... and letting what comes Be...

...this year i look to build on what has been a shortcoming - asteya - the vow to not steal - time, fares, other people's generosity... the time i've been alotted... 

...i will do this by using my time to be of service... to make sure the novels and poems i've written are published, are experienced, are able to support others in breakthrough... in Connection, in humility... 

...that the medicine i've purchased goes to good use, that it connects with the time i've spent learning herbalism and that i used what i've learned to share medicine not my name... to support Connection with Your Creation... not mine.... to Honor and Respect You by Honoring the cycles you have given us to stay in rhythm... to share the yoga i do to support family friends community world in your deen in Health, in Love... not about me... but about You... 

...that i do my best with the riddle of time for my job instead of looking for shortcuts, Working with simplicity in mind... with doing less going deeper... by being honest in my relations... vulnerable... being the Lover... being Love for our baby... 

...asteya goes with brahmacharya... walking in a wheel of worship... to walk in worship... to do this by engaing in Creativity, in full presence... in one thing at a time... Knowing it is You... that it is Always You... to Honor You at the altar of the dinner table when i cook for myself or others... to Honor You  when I See people i walk past... Knowing it is You, and to give them the right away, open the door, offer my seat... Knowing it is You... and that you need a seat... 

...to Listen with this worship Knowing it is You... and you need to be heard... looking at You... and feeling your life experience and what you are feeling at this moment and affirming You... to worship by Knowing this is not it, but a moment... and to embrace what you have put before me... this path... of ancient medicine... to find and make home with my wife child parents brother... village a few hours away... make it an abode of Love... fo worship of for You... 

...this year... this earth cycle... i Am in brahmacharya... a wheel of Love through worship of You...